One More Reason
THERE are a lot of reasons why I want to die. Most of them are too involved for me to really be able to discuss them here with some sort of precision needed to explain myself fully. (Quite a long sentence. I hate myself sometimes for not being able to write shorter, more concise sentences. I guess that is already one of the many reasons why I want to die. But we digress.)
In general, I want to die because I am in pain. I do believe, though, that we are all in pain, but I am one who is not that good at handling pain. I hate pain. Each time I feel even a single bit of disappointment which eventually transforms to some measure of pain I want to kill myself. I never asked to be here, to be born, to be created, why do I have to suffer?
A while ago I was hit with one more reason why I want to die soon. I was reading Jessica Zafra's Twisted 7 and was quite surprised to read articles regarding death. One was talking about the death of her mother, and the other was about the death of her best friend, who died of lung cancer, which is quite ironic because she never smoked. Both articles surfaced the type of fear I've always had, but disregarded, since I was a child: the fear of having people I love die out on me (or die ahead of me, whichever is correct). I know that time will come. And I cannot imagine the amount of pain I have to endure when that happens.
So, yeah, I do fear death. But one that is not my own. My own death I'd embrace without reservations. But others'....
If only possible, I'd love it if I could die first. Those people that I will be leaving may feel a little bit of pain when I'm gone, but they'll get by. I on the other hand will go completely insane if they died first. Unfortunately, as I have said before, I hate pain. I do not wish to feel the pain of electrocution, or jumping off a building, or slitting my throat. And right now, the only painless method of dying that I know of is not feasible. So I'm crossing my fingers, writing this entry, scared as hell.
Damn Ms. Zafra.
In general, I want to die because I am in pain. I do believe, though, that we are all in pain, but I am one who is not that good at handling pain. I hate pain. Each time I feel even a single bit of disappointment which eventually transforms to some measure of pain I want to kill myself. I never asked to be here, to be born, to be created, why do I have to suffer?
A while ago I was hit with one more reason why I want to die soon. I was reading Jessica Zafra's Twisted 7 and was quite surprised to read articles regarding death. One was talking about the death of her mother, and the other was about the death of her best friend, who died of lung cancer, which is quite ironic because she never smoked. Both articles surfaced the type of fear I've always had, but disregarded, since I was a child: the fear of having people I love die out on me (or die ahead of me, whichever is correct). I know that time will come. And I cannot imagine the amount of pain I have to endure when that happens.
So, yeah, I do fear death. But one that is not my own. My own death I'd embrace without reservations. But others'....
If only possible, I'd love it if I could die first. Those people that I will be leaving may feel a little bit of pain when I'm gone, but they'll get by. I on the other hand will go completely insane if they died first. Unfortunately, as I have said before, I hate pain. I do not wish to feel the pain of electrocution, or jumping off a building, or slitting my throat. And right now, the only painless method of dying that I know of is not feasible. So I'm crossing my fingers, writing this entry, scared as hell.
Damn Ms. Zafra.
posted by Ryan Ben @ 2:19 PM
2 Comments:
At 8:21 AM,
christabelle gupana said…
hi, rye. i'm finally out of it...my 3-month long depression. What got me out? A whole lot of Beatles music...I don't know...after getting my hands on every type of media (dvds, books, cds, aticles) that had the Beatles, a Beatle or someone remotely close to them, I have come to know them with so much affection that I feel like they're still my age and are still together performing their great hits. And it only seems like I missed Beatlemania by a year and not by 3 decades. I'm broke from trying to get hold of every record they have but I'm happy.
At 5:07 AM,
aMgiNe said…
there's a lot of reasons to live. i have contemplated on taking suicide a lot of times, but the fear of eternal damnation restrains me most of the time. and sometimes you also have to be selfish to think that when you die, people will be sad but then they will eventually move on and find their smile again which is unfair especially if you want to die because someone left you broken hearted, the same way that i feel most of the time. yeah they will be guilty but then after mourning your death they will continue to live their lives. hang in there, we are all fighting our own battles. you just have to put your trust in God.
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