One More Reason
THERE are a lot of reasons why I want to die. Most of them are too involved for me to really be able to discuss them here with some sort of precision needed to explain myself fully. (Quite a long sentence. I hate myself sometimes for not being able to write shorter, more concise sentences. I guess that is already one of the many reasons why I want to die. But we digress.)
In general, I want to die because I am in pain. I do believe, though, that we are all in pain, but I am one who is not that good at handling pain. I hate pain. Each time I feel even a single bit of disappointment which eventually transforms to some measure of pain I want to kill myself. I never asked to be here, to be born, to be created, why do I have to suffer?
A while ago I was hit with one more reason why I want to die soon. I was reading Jessica Zafra's Twisted 7 and was quite surprised to read articles regarding death. One was talking about the death of her mother, and the other was about the death of her best friend, who died of lung cancer, which is quite ironic because she never smoked. Both articles surfaced the type of fear I've always had, but disregarded, since I was a child: the fear of having people I love die out on me (or die ahead of me, whichever is correct). I know that time will come. And I cannot imagine the amount of pain I have to endure when that happens.
So, yeah, I do fear death. But one that is not my own. My own death I'd embrace without reservations. But others'....
If only possible, I'd love it if I could die first. Those people that I will be leaving may feel a little bit of pain when I'm gone, but they'll get by. I on the other hand will go completely insane if they died first. Unfortunately, as I have said before, I hate pain. I do not wish to feel the pain of electrocution, or jumping off a building, or slitting my throat. And right now, the only painless method of dying that I know of is not feasible. So I'm crossing my fingers, writing this entry, scared as hell.
Damn Ms. Zafra.
In general, I want to die because I am in pain. I do believe, though, that we are all in pain, but I am one who is not that good at handling pain. I hate pain. Each time I feel even a single bit of disappointment which eventually transforms to some measure of pain I want to kill myself. I never asked to be here, to be born, to be created, why do I have to suffer?
A while ago I was hit with one more reason why I want to die soon. I was reading Jessica Zafra's Twisted 7 and was quite surprised to read articles regarding death. One was talking about the death of her mother, and the other was about the death of her best friend, who died of lung cancer, which is quite ironic because she never smoked. Both articles surfaced the type of fear I've always had, but disregarded, since I was a child: the fear of having people I love die out on me (or die ahead of me, whichever is correct). I know that time will come. And I cannot imagine the amount of pain I have to endure when that happens.
So, yeah, I do fear death. But one that is not my own. My own death I'd embrace without reservations. But others'....
If only possible, I'd love it if I could die first. Those people that I will be leaving may feel a little bit of pain when I'm gone, but they'll get by. I on the other hand will go completely insane if they died first. Unfortunately, as I have said before, I hate pain. I do not wish to feel the pain of electrocution, or jumping off a building, or slitting my throat. And right now, the only painless method of dying that I know of is not feasible. So I'm crossing my fingers, writing this entry, scared as hell.
Damn Ms. Zafra.
posted by Ryan Ben @ 2:19 PM
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